Supportive Services Team’s “Dementia Support Corner”
In this blog, we will talk with Alzheimer’s San Diego Support Group Program Manager Ellen Boucher, BSW on the concept of role reversal for adult children caregivers caring for a parent living with dementia and tips for how to cope with this change.
Although everyone can gain something from these pieces, some like this one are tailored more for caregivers and may include topics that make people living with dementia feel uncomfortable. If you have questions about this topic, please reach out to our Dementia Care Coaches at 858.492.4400.
What is Role Reversal?
As a parent’s dementia progresses over time and that parent can no longer care for themselves due to the disease symptoms, adult children often step into the role of caregiver. According to Ellen, this is called “role reversal” because where your parent once took care of you, you are now taking care of them” (this has also been referred to as parentification). As adult children, we are used to our parents parenting us. However, as they become more cognitively impaired and we see the possibility for them to become injured, fall into bad financial situations, and more, we step in,” Ellen explains. “This new dynamic can be challenging, and the grief at the ongoing change can be profound,” says Ellen.
How to Cope with this New Role
Ellen has experienced role reversal firsthand with her mom. “As an adult child I would look at my mom and I would see the physical being of my mom like her face, her body, her stature, and her tone of voice would be exactly the same, but the words and the lack of reasoning in what she was saying would be so different. It can be very challenging.” If you are experiencing role reversal with your parent living with dementia, Ellen has a few suggestions and tips for you to consider as you transition into the role of caregiver:
- Compassionate communication: In situations where your parent living with dementia is demonstrating a lack of understanding reason or inability to follow logic, Ellen suggests modifying your communication with them to what their brain will comprehend. For example, if your loved one tells you that the sky is green today, Ellen says it’s not productive for you to disagree and try to change their mind. Instead, Ellen suggests to honor where they are at and instead say “oh wow is it light green or dark green?” and then redirect the conversation. “It may appear as a falsehood between two healthy brains, but you are instead speaking to your loved one in a way that matches their reality,” says Ellen.
- Your parent’s disease is often invisible from the outside, but it’s still there: Because there is usually no physical sign of the disease affecting your parent, Ellen suggests practicing a mental exercise to help you remember how the disease is affecting their mind and behavior behind the scenes. For example, Ellen suggests imagining they have a big bandaid on their forehead or that they have two brains, one healthy one and one dementia one. “What is coming from your parent is not coming from a healthy brain, it is coming from a diseased brain. So it is about training yourself to realize that the heart of your parent has stayed the same, but the brain has changed. Remember they are not communicating with their heart, they are communicating with their diseased brain. Train yourself to remember that regardless of how they look, their brain is different.”
- Remember your parent is not a child: Although your parent may have child-like behavior, they are not a child. Don’t forget that we all have child-like moments, regardless of if we have dementia or not. “We want to honor that they have lived full wonderful lives,” says Ellen, “even with moments of child-like behavior.”
- Care planning before you need it: There is a lot of paperwork and confusion around trusts and power of attorney for people impacted by dementia. “It is better to take care of the paperwork as early in the disease as possible” says Ellen. She suggests reaching out to Alzheimer’s San Diego for guidance in getting the correct paperwork in place for your loved one.
- Self-care is essential: Ellen suggests making time to have check-ins with yourself and your emotions. “Remember,” says Ellen, “on planes you are always instructed to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. And that principle applies when you are caring for a parent living with dementia.” Alzheimer’s San Diego has many caregiver support groups where you can talk with people going through similar situations and gain emotional support.
- Educate yourself on dementia: “Knowledge is power and we can help educate you on the disease. And when you understand what’s going on, that is tremendously helpful.” Alzheimer’s San Diego offers many free resources to help you care for your loved one. Check out our free education classes and more.
Get Free Guidance from a Dementia Care Coach
For more information, reach out to us today and speak with a Dementia Care Coach who can provide personalized dementia support and guidance on processing role reversal for your unique situation. Call 858.492.4400 or fill out a quick form to learn more. Services are available in Spanish.
Our “Dementia Support Corner” series is an opportunity for our Supportive Services team to provide insight that can help people impacted by dementia.
By Heidi Emmenegger
RECOMMENDED: Creating Dementia Friendly Communities
Posted on June 15th, 2026
